Hospital Recovery

I had about two great hours to hold Jacob, kiss him, stare into his eyes and gush over him with Scott until the headache from Hades stepped in. (Dear friends who are expecting their first: Every birth/recovery experience is different. Do not be freaked out by mine. haha. Stop reading if you'd like. But now I'm sure you're intrigued, right? :)

It felt like Hannibal Lecter was drilling a hole right into the center of my forehead. It was sensitive to the slightest touch. It was not normal. My nurses constantly asked me to rate my pain. Which was annoying. I wanted to yell, I don't know! What scale am I basing this off of? Because I'll say 10 just to get some relief! And honestly, my pain felt like a 10-- and according to the happy face pain chart in my room, a 10 was "excruciating."

And while the headache made it hurt to even open my mouth to eat, it was more debilitating and frustrating than anything else. Lying flat on my back seemed to be the only natural remedy, which made it nearly impossible for me to care for Jacob. Scott was amazing and took care of everything. He was by Jacob's side constantly while also taking care of me, making sure I was drinking enough fluids, helping me walk to the bathroom or even get up, filling out all the paperwork, making sure Jacob was fed on schedule (since nursing was also hindered by my headache and body aches), changing diapers, getting me food, etc etc etc. He did it all. He is my knight in shining armor.

He bonded with Jacob instantly and fell in love with his little boy wholeheartedly. It was so precious to watch him care for Jacob and talk to him so sweetly. And while it warmed my heart to witness that connection, it also broke it a little. I felt jealous. And sad. So, so sad.

I wanted to bond with my little boy too. I wanted to nurse him and cuddle him. I wanted to help to take care of him. I wanted to feel like a mom. As Scott held Jacob in the corner, and smiled at him and cooed at him, I cried silently. I now ached emotionally. I wanted him.

"Can I please hold him?" I asked, trying not to show my sadness. Scott brought him to me instantly and set him down beside me on the hospital bed. I turned on my side and just took him in. Internally, I hoped he knew me. That he knew I was his mom and remembered me even though I hadn't been near him as much as his dad or the nurses had been.

And then he smiled. A sweet, ear-to-ear grin as he stared back at me. I lost it. It was such a tender mercy from Heavenly Father. He had heard and answered my informal, un-uttered prayer. The Spirit was so strong in that moment and I had the overwhelming thought that my son loved me and knew me. He knew I was his mom.

Most of my time in the hospital feels like a blur. Time sped by in a flurry of meal trays, medication rounds, pumpings,and visits by anesthesiologists, lactation consultants, OBs and nurses. The three anesthesiologists that visited me all tried to assess how to help me. They suspected it could be a spinal headache--which occurs when too much spinal fluid is drained from receiving an epidural. But my symptoms were not typical and since they were not 100% positive it was a spinal headache, they recommended not following through with the solution--a blood patch--which came with a slew of possible complications/procedures. I agreed. So I would simply have to wait the headache and body aches out--which they guessed could last anywhere from a week to two weeks.

Finally, after an emotional, painful and very difficult "recovery" (I didn't feel recovered at all, however), we were discharged from the hospital. As Scott packed, did the last paperwork, rented the breast pump, took our things to the car, and got my prescriptions from the pharmacy, I dressed Jacob for the car ride home. It took all my concentration to focus and ignore the pain. I dressed him as quickly and gently as I could, trying to keep him warm (his body temperature had been a little unstable). Everything fit which was a relief, but his little hat would not scoot down over his head on the right side. I tugged a little harder and saw Jacob's lips pout then shudder as he stared at me in surprise. I suddenly realized I had been tugging at his ear! My poor baby. I was really out of it. I felt horrible. But he looked pretty darn cute, and thankfully made it out of the hospital with two ears :)